A sattire by KOMAL NAHTA
ENTIRE INDUSTRY TO ATTEND FUNERAL
By
KOMAL NAHTA
It has never happened in the past. Believe it or die, the entire Hindi film industry is headed in the same direction. After watching Shah Rukh Khan’s Pathaan in the morning and forenoon shows, the industry people are all going to the cremation grounds to pay their last respects to the ‘Boycott Pathaan‘ and ‘Boycott Bollywood’ gangs.
News of the demise of both the gangs came in after the first show of Pathaan got over. The gangs were already battling for life since Friday, January 19, when the plans for the Shah Rukh Khan starrer opened. Looking to the fantastic response to the film, the ‘Boycott Pathaan‘ gang took seriously ill. It was admitted to a hospital close to Yash Raj Films studio on 19th. Within hours of the same, one saw the ‘Boycott Bollywood’ gang being wheeled straight into the ICU of the same hospital. According to the doctors, both the gangs had to be put on life support system within hours of their admission.

Both the gangs fought for life valiantly. There were occasions when it appeared that the gangs would recover, especially when news of a stray incident of vandalising of a cinema house ready to screen Pathaan filtered in. But the joy of the families of the gangs was short-lived. For, within minutes of revival of the gangs, they became breathless over again. It is believed that the brisk ticket sales of Pathaan at PVR, Inox, Cinepolis, other stand-alone multiplexes and single-screen cinemas resulted in severe breathing problems for both the gangs.

Not the ones to give up easily, the two gangs fought till this morning (25th January). The attending doctors had told the families of the two gangs that Wednesday would be a very crucial day for the two patients on ventilators. The first round of thunderous applause in a multiplex, the first loud shrill of mass whistling in the cinemas, the first screams of joy… all these proved to be the proverbial last straw on the camel’s back. According to the doctors, the ‘Boycott Pathaan‘ gang breathed its last before the ‘Boycott Bollywood’ gang. But there was a difference of barely a minute or two
between the two demises, it is learnt from internal sources. One doctor said on condition of anonymity that the ‘Boycott Bollywood’ gang simply lost the will to live when its friend, the ‘Boycott Pathaan‘ gang, passed away.
The funerals of both the gangs are scheduled to take place at the IMPPA office today at 6 p.m. It is learnt that every single person of the film industry will be attending the funerals. In fact, one hears that several top distributors and exhibitors are landing in Bombay from other cities to pay their last (dis)respects to the departed souls, sorry, bodies (as they were soulless, it has been proven).
P.S.: Oven-fresh news just in: The funerals of the two gangs have been postponed to tomorrow (26th January). That’s because the founder-members of the two gangs will not be able to make it to the funerals as they are watching Pathaan in the 5 p.m. show. All efforts to pull them out of the cinemas proved futile because they were seen whistling, clapping and cheering for the characters in the film. And yes, they were also seen dancing after standing on their seats in the cinemas on the Besharam rang song, matching Deepika Padukone’s sensuous steps.